Long story short?


and this

set to:


Settings, part 1


Settings, part 2

equals awesomeness.


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Flashbacks and resignations

Last night I completely flipped my shit.


It goes back to July, 2010.

I’d been back in SL for 8 months and was starting to find my groove. I had looked up my 2005 “trial account”s name and, after a phone call, got the account reactivated.The inventory was empty but -strangely enough, the profile was still the same. Including picks.

I had a pick saved for my home spot, so I went there. Funadama region; 238, 32.

The people who moved in there after I left had turned it into a garden/gallery combo. I fell in love with it and for something close to ten months I would go there any time I was stressed out and needed peace and relaxation.

Then, in July 2011:


It was gone, wiped out. As if it never had existed.

I was gutted, and kicking myself for feeling gutted over something as “stupid” as a “video game”.

I’m lucky that I met and befriended the woman who bought the region and rented my old parcel from her; I am still there to this day.

But the pain from losing that attachment -right or wrong, has never quite left me. I have recreated the Funadama region (circa 2007) multiple, multiple times in Opensim.

Fast forward to 2017. In the CDS a woman spear-headed the creation of a museum dedicated to the history of the CDS and realized the costs were too much, and then entrusted me with it’s maintance and safe keeping.

For several months, jeez, I think close to a year now? I’ve been paying for that museum.

And then last night this greeted me when I teleported to the CDS Museum:


Everything that belonged to my predecessor -including exhibits, was gone.

No warning, out of the blue. Something happened to suddenly make me untrust-worthy. Or something. That personal component I think will stay with me. I had been told I would take care of it well, then suddenly I can’t be trusted and everything is gone in the dead of night.

I feel betrayed.

I feel a profound sense of loss.

And as you may have deduced by now, I don’t handle loss well.



In response I posted a profanity-laced notice to the CDS group and transferred everything relating to the Museum to Sudane, who will be taking care of it going forward.

I’m in a very strange place, mentally and emotionally. It was wrong of me to post the flamage, but I’m not sorry.

Alasi Stonebender has pointed out that someone who can’t refrain from sending out profanity-laced dramatic group notices has no place being chancellor. That’s a fair and valid point. I completely agree.

At the same time, I am unable to promise that under the same circumstances I won’t have the same reaction. Just the opposite, in fact. I flipped out over the Rathaus, I flipped out over the museum …when things I careΒ  about go sideways, I lose my shit.

I’m 51 years old; I don’t anticipate that changing.

I’m going to wait until noon Saturday SLT before I make it official, but I honestly don’t expect to change my mind. I intend on withdrawing my name for chancellor of the CDS.

I’m going to finish out this term, however. But I intended on being very low-key; slinking in like a right-click-take-object in the night as it were. Handling only late notices and event payments.

After this term, I’m done.

I don’t have the temperament.

I don’t have the patience.

And apart from a couple moments, it’s mostly been an unfulfilling drag.

Comments are closed for this entry, because I can’t even …


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Day of breakthroughs

Blender’s a bitch; but it’s less of one now. I had a ton of breakthroughs, so many I’m afraid I’ll end up forgetting them. So I’m writing a quick blog to note what I did and learned today.

1) Today I joined some cubes to use the boolean operator to cut holes in a wall. THe last one wouldn’t work so I made a smaller wall section, cut out the “windows” i was trying to make, then copied and stacked the copies.

2) Thanks to a post by Mareta Dagostino, I learned how to add textures; go into edit mode, select faces, add materials, then use the ‘select’ buttons.

3) Then I learned about how to optimize faces by selecting them and hitting delete and picking “soft dissolve”.

4) After an error, I learned how to fix triangle problems by hitting mesh -> clean up -> degenerate dissolve (cleans up bad triangles).

5) Hyacinth had a “dress” she’d made with no internal faces, so I learned how to make those by using the solidify modifier.

6) Next, I added different textures onto different groups of faces, and those groups of faces were preserved when I took them into OpenSim. πŸ™‚

7)I took a stab at uvmapping/unwrapping; that was a failure but I’ll read and re-read these:

a) https://everythingisamiracleblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/19/how-to-apply-scale-rotate-and-relocate-image-textures-in-blender-2-79/

b) https://blender.stackexchange.com/questions/1022/adding-uv-mapping-to-mesh

…and hope that eventually scales will fall from my eyes; or at least uvmaps πŸ™‚

I think I’m going to end up going into the clothing business…at least the free clothing business :p

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Pride And Petulance

Being the Chancellor of the Confederation Of Democratic Simulators (CDS) is a lot of work. Those who have taken on its’ mantle should be applauded and thanked.

There is very little recompense in that job. No pay, little expressed gratitude (just the opposite from what I’m told) and at this late date almost no chance of leaving your own imprint upon the CDS.

What that job lacks in pay it makes up for in time (that it demands), what it lacks in gratitude it makes up for in stress and duplicitous BS and dramas that must be waded through or resolved.

I have not been Chancellor, tho I have run a failed campaign. I considered the job for months before taking the plunge and running (initially deciding against it, then reading Rosie’s eloquent post and changing my mind).

The campaign went well, but regardless I lost. Receiving less than a dozen votes I can only look at the results as a statement of no-confidence in both my ability to perform the job, and in my vision of the future …I have to see it as a disagreement with my goals.

In short; what I’m selling the CDS ain’t buyin.

That doesn’t just sting, I’ll be honest ..it kicks like a mule. I had expected Rosie to win and she is the better candidate. Regardless, I am hurt by the lack of support that I received (in terms of votes and otherwise).

As the title says …I am petulant and my pride is bruised…but I’m still standing. This entry isn’t just to bitch and whine, however. I have a more practical reason for it …it’s a note to my future self, a reminder.

We will reach another point in the future (fall 2018 elections? Spring 2019?) where there are no candidates to run for Chancellor …and I’ll be tempted to run. And to do so would be a very, very bad idea.

I am writing this to remind my future self of what I feel now, and to point out that having an office is not the same as having a mandate. If I can only win by running unopposed, that is not a win.

And if I do not have a mandate and genuine support that means the stress and frustration that goes with the job are simply not worth it.

Particularly since I will receive no joy in exchange for taking on that heavy burden. I will leave no mark nor implement any meaningful changes.

I have asked if folks support me, and I have gotten my answer -in the negative.

I have to accept that answer and move forward and either find or create a different avenue to channel my hopes and my ambitions into. On that level, I’ve got nothing coming from the CDS.

I am not leaving the CDS, however. I have paid my tier several months in advance, and I am happily on the Estate management team …and when I’m inworld I will make myself available to help out.

At the same time, I am beginning to lay the groundwork of a project where I will be able tangibly bring about many parts of the platform I ran on. Obviously this will be outside of the context of the CDS’ government (so things such as government hour don’t apply). But other parts of my platform will go forward.

As I lay the groundwork, I am putting out feelers and looking for participants and ideas. I don’t know when we’ll begin (I am giving this 6 months to take shape, tho I expect it’ll be much less) but when we begin …it will be on my property in the CDS.

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Challenged -again!

I’m horrible about keeping up any sort of blog -always have been. For that reason I loved Strawberry Singh’s “Monday Memes” when I caught them. She (understandably!) got too busy to keep them up but now she’s announced she’s going to be doing them again at least somewhat regularly. Also, they’re no longer “memes” but “Secondlife Challenges”.

So hopefully that means I’ll be blogging again too …at least sometimes. πŸ™‚

This week her challenge is to post your own “seven secondlife facts” -so here’s mine.

  • Han Held is actually my second account -my first was named Randall Harker, who I tooled around on in during the summer of 2005.
  • Since 2011 I’ve been back in the same spot I started in back in 2005
  • I don’t work in SL, I don’t feel like it’s worth the stress (also why play SL if it’s stressful?); I’d rather just dump a few bucks into the game.
  • I’ve been in the same SL families since 2011, and rely a lot on their support
  • I live in Alaska IRL and SL finally “clicked” for me in 2009 when I realized how helpful it could be in fighting “seasonal affective disorder” and cabin fever
  • I hate shopping in SL, the whole process annoys the out of me. MP makes it better, but not enough.
  • In 2012 I helped a friend start a clothing business. It didn’t go anywhere, but from time to time I contemplate grabbing clothing templates and having another go at it…


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An artist is I

Well, at least kinda sorta.

I had two reasons for wanting to learn makehuman.

One was to have a mesh avi in opensim -got that sorted now.

The other reason was so that I can make statues -without spending decades learning how to sculpt.

So I set up a model in makehuman, exported it to blender with the mhx2 plugin, did some posing in blender and exported it to colloda and thus:

Ulrika Facepalm 22May2017_001

A tribute that speaks volumes …mostly wondering wtf

I had to dink around a bit -the original skirt was much too short, undignifiedly so considering who this is;


and considering her reaction to my builds πŸ˜‰

Of course either version is a far cry from my original;


With a few red prims, a few wood planks, I made a place to stand…


But fixing the skirt proved suprisingly easy -I exported it to colloda and loaded it in Blender. In blender I just went into edit mode, selected faces, copied, pasted and the skirt was longer. Then I realized I could stretch the faces on the blouse and stretch them (instead of copying) and I was set.

My prim statues are probably more clever …doing more with less, after all… but my little “makehuman cheat” opens up a lot more opportunities to me and lets me do a lot more, a lot quicker.

I’m not sure if you’d call it art (although Zappa said that Art is anything you can frame), but it’s close enough for me.

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